Perhaps I have gone mad

19 November

My Dearest J,

I often do wonder if I have, indeed, gone mad. Reality sets in during moments of undeniable sobriety and I cannot help but believe it myself, for I fully understand that I am chasing after a ghost. A beautiful, wondrous, wild and dangerous entity but still, a ghost.
Is it so utterly terrible to want more? I am at war with myself. Since the dawn of time most souls yearn for adventure, complete with the kind of love that releases us, a kind where time itself can surrender and stand still for. Yet my fantasies, although exhilarating, grab me by the neck and threaten to hold until the last breath escapes my lips. Why?
It is true that, by law, I belong to another, as do you. Marriage is a frightful thing, signing our lives away in a few moments of passion and submission.
Good God, listen to me. Perhaps I have gone mad. I sit and wonder how selfish I am being. Then, in a moment of freedom, I allow my thoughts to wander about as if they are lost and waiting for the other half of my soul to find them. They run away from me and no matter how hard I try to catch them, they always find their way back to you. 
I have yet to meet someone on this Earth who knows what they are doing. Many have lost hope and I fear, that alone, will be our demise.
Why do I feel like this? In fear people will look at me with condemning eyes? Yes. We yearn for love and, some of us, marriage. We as humans are expected to stay faithful. Yet we have one shot at picking the right mate. We are expected to live with that choice happy or not. We, as humans, are expected to be perfect.
Considering what and who we are as a collective species, shouldn't that, in itself, be considered madness?

Sincerely,
Hopeless